Literary Agent Squashes Budding Author Like a Bug
I Was Just Trying to Improve My Novel.
DANE ZELLER

Date: May 1
From: Stella Pinkerton
To: Dane Zeller
Subject: Your Novel
I’m sorry, Mr. Zeller, but your novel does not fit our needs at this time. Good luck finding a place for it.

Date: May 1
From: Dane Zeller
To: Stella Pinkerton
Subject: My Novel
I know you’re very busy with many queries. I would very much appreciate a tiny clarification of your rejection. By “Good luck…” do you mean “Good luck, sir, this is a good novel. I hope you find a place for it.” or “Good luck, buddy, trying to find a place for this.”?

Date: May 15
From: Stella Pinkerton
To: Dane Zeller
Subject: Your Novel
Don’t read anything into what I say.

Date: May 15
From: Dane Zeller
To: Stella Pinkerton
Subject: My Novel
Thank you for responding, Ms. Pinkerton. I can’t help it, but I’m just trying to improve my novel, bit by bit. I know you’re busy. That’s why I’m not trying to build a conversation here. I’m just trying to understand exactly what your twenty-three-word rejection means. When you said “I’m sorry…” was that just boilerplate rejection rhetoric, or were you genuinely sad that you couldn’t consider my novel?

Date: May 22
From: Stella Pinkerton
To: Dane Zeller
Subject: Your Novel
Yes.

Date: May 22
From: Dane Zeller
To: Stella Pinkerton
Subject: My Novel
Thank you for your response, Ms. Pinkerton. Was your “yes” referring to rhetoric or genuine sadness?

Date: May 29
From: Dane Zeller
To: Stella Pinkerton
Subject: My Novel
It’s been a week since I last heard from you. I hope I’m not bothering you.
Just one last request, and I’ll respect your inbox. By “does not fit our needs at this time”, do you mean there might be a time in the future when it could…fit your needs?

Date: May 30
From: Stella Pinkerton
To: Dane Zeller
Subject: Your Careening Curiosity.
Zeller, when else might there be a time other than “in the future”? Could you just not use more words than you need? Like…how about zero?

Date: May 30
From: Dane Zeller
To: Stella Pinkerton
Subject: My Novel
Thank you, Stella. Ha ha, you’re right. It’s like people who say they’re planning for the future. For what else could they plan! One last thing. Do you folks actually read more than the first few lines of submitted first three chapters? Because, I don’t have a dead body until chapter three.

Date: May 30
From: Stella Pinkerton
To: Dane Zeller
Subject: Your not-novel Novel
You asked for it Zeller. This will be my last response to you. First, your protagonist is named “Milkey”, as in “milquetoast.” How better could you describe a private eye as a wimp? He’s got a spot of ketchup on his tie, and he doesn’t care. He drives a Crown Victoria like he’s trying to be a police officer. I’ll bet it has spotlights and an antenna on it just like a security guard’s car. One of his assistants at Donald Milkey and Associates, Private Investigators, is his girlfriend who has more balls than Donnie-boy. His other assistant, Garcia, has a grasp of the language that makes it hard for your readers to read. I would recommend that you don’t have him greet women with the phrase, “How you hangin’?” In fact, the star of your novel, if you check it, is a gun-toting homeless woman who is unfamiliar with the laws regarding the discharge of a weapon in the city. Donald Milkey is not a private eye, he’s a dick! Don’t bother me anymore.

Date: May 30
From: Dane Zeller
To: Stella Pinkerton
Subject: My Novel
So… you read all three chapters.

READ SMART SHIELD HERE
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