There is no earthly need to eat out. Ever. Eating out’s expensive, usually unhealthy and often, not the meal you thought you’d enjoy.

Last year we replaced our electric stove with a fancy gas one costing a little less than eight million dollars. Living in California and knowing that gas appliances might be outlawed soon, we decided to buy the stove sooner than planned. Before we could install it, we needed to run a new gas line from the North Dakota fracking fields and then install a new electrical outlet. Apparently, the electric stove we replaced didn’t have one. Well, truth is, we needed to replace the 220V with your standard 110V. I wanted to go solar but that’s for a different post. Subsequently, our local plumber and electrician are financing their children’s college tuition with the monthly payments I send them. I suggest that kids drop out of school and take up plumbing and electrical work. That’s were all the money is. At least, that’s where my money is.

To create the logic trail, I needed to justify this expensive purchase. I added up all the costs of the new stove and divided it by the number of dining expenses we’d save by never eating out. According to my math, our new red-knobbed wonder would pay for itself in 750 years. Truth is, Lillian wanted a gas stove. After fifty years of marriage, I’ve learned to do whatever Lillian tells me to do. Logic is not required.

I figured that our new stove would save us a ton of money if we used it instead of eating out. I was mistaken.

Back on track – eating out.

“Are you going to wear that? Do you plan on eating in the car, or perhaps going out with someone else?” Can you see where this is headed?

I’m old school. I don’t wear a baseball cap. Not forward, backwards, or the dumpiest of all looks, the sideways slant. One of my twelve thousand pet peeves is when someone wears a hat inside a restaurant. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, wearing a baseball cap reduces your IQ by up to 35 points. On most days, I feel like I’m only 4 points above drooling. I figure I can’t afford it. I think that wearing a hat while you’re eating is rude. What a pleasant dining experience, eating with impolite people.

“What are you in the mood for?”

“Oh, I can’t decide, you pick.”

In fifty years, Lillian has never offered a suggestion on where to eat. Always taking the high ground if the meal goes south.

We live in a large urban area, so the choices of restaurants are plentiful. There are over twenty-five Mexican restaurants, fourteen Italian, thirteen Chinese and over thirty billed as American cuisine. There must be over two hundred places to eat in our town of Camarillo. As I was Googling these vital facts, I realized that we only eat at three of them. We’ve tried most of them and sadly, many of them are not very good.

You’d think that Southern California would have more than a few excellent Mexican restaurants. Well, we don’t. The one we do like sells fake Mexican food just like all of us Americans really want. I do enjoy the custom at all Mexican restaurants of bringing out the chips and salsa, often before you sit down. Have you ever noticed that all Mexican restaurants also have a costly appetizer of chips and salsa? I think this is for people that didn’t get their fill on the free stuff. To me, all Mexican food tastes the same, which is why they can serve it before you make your selection and order. Your only decisions are corn or flour, beef or chicken. And to make it appear like they are giving you a choice; they also allow you to select either the green or red sauce. Somebody told me that the green sauce is really a dated version of the red sauce. This is not true, but I still don’t order the green sauce.

Things are even worse for Chinese food. In our town, our choices aren’t very good. In many ways, a Chinese restaurant is much like a Mexican restaurant only without the chips and salsa. How do they prepare your meal so fast? There’re over twelve pages of dinner selections at most Chinese places. Any selection you make comes out before the server can write down your order. I’ve never been inside the kitchen of either a Mexican or Chinese restaurant, but all the menu items must be already made. And why do all Chinese places only serve Japanese beer? You’d think that China, the third largest country with over 1.4 billion people, could open a microbrewery. Did you know that Budweiser is made from rice? Maybe a few restaurants should get together and buy Anheuser-Busch. That would be a good start.

Did you know that salmon for sushi likely comes from Norway? It is also farm raised. That’s because the penned fish can be fattened up. They feed the fish little pellets infused with red-dye 92 to turn the meat pink. Also, wild salmon, which is better for you, is known to contain parasites. Are you craving raw fish yet? And why is sushi so expensive? My last sushi lunch cost $49. I ordered sashimi thinking that having no rice would save me a few dollars. I can’t imagine the cost had I asked them to cook it.

Speaking of the cost of the food when you eat out, nothing compares to the price of a good steak. Of the six places in Camarillo that offer a good filet, none are under fifty bucks. There is a limit to how much I’ll spend to put something in my body. After all, it will pass within 24-hours, and you’ll just be out a lot of money. They say that red meat is bad for your heart. It’s bad for your heart because the cost of it shocks your socks off. And never order surf and turf. In addition to costing more than your house, the meat will be the smallest piece they can find, and the lobster will look like that crawdad you found in the drainage ditch in your backyard.

I like Greek, Mediterranean, French, Spanish and Irish food. I love fish and chips (proper Irish food). I know that fish and chips are Irish because you can only get it at an Irish pub. Outside of Britian, there are no English pubs. I like the kind of F&C that coats your mouth and face with enough grease to double as SPF-50. Did you know that fish and chips originated in Portugal sometime before the Middle Ages? It also took the Chinese to teach them how to fry it.

Be careful when you decide to splurge and go to a French place. If you are fortunate enough to live close to a good French restaurant, you are at the pinnacle of the fine dining experience. Just don’t make the mistake I did when we went to a so-called French country eatery. Not being very worldly, I ordered the sweetbreads. While the taste was excellent, the consistency was an uncommon ordeal. “Look honey, I just paid $68 bucks for roadkill.

You’ll notice, I didn’t include English food. There is no such thing as good English food. And they sure didn’t bring it over with them on the Mayflower. Everyone knows that the food in England is horrible. This is the reason they conquered India. Having made this proclamation, I know my English friends will be insulted. I would be too. Did you know that Yorkshire pudding is a pastry, chips are French fries, and crisps are potato chips. What gives them the right to change our language?

Did you know that the Brits pour custard on top of desserts. Yes, custard. Yellow, runny, sweet, slimy custard served in a pitcher, passed around the table. You might not mind covering sticky toffee pudding, but there’s just something sacrilegious about pouring custard all over a perfectly gorgeous chocolate layer cake. Cake should be eaten with a fork, not a spoon.

“Oh, dear, my favorite! Toad in the Hole. Yum.”

“Quit writing, dear, and come eat your mutton.” Said the good wife – never.

Last but not least is tipping. Can’t do basic math? Pull out your smartphone. Lest she thinks you’re slow, hide it in your lap as you calculate. I’ve always been a good tipper, even if the service was lousy. Most places now have a suggested amount which is very handy. While the suggestions used to range from 10 to 20%, now they start at 20 and move up. I suggest we just cut to the chase. How about a suggested tip of paying off the waiter’s mortgage?

“Oh, honey, I’m too tired to cook. Can we just go out?”

“Sure, dear, what would you like?”

“I don’t know, you decide.”

“Beef or chicken?”

The greatest meal of all time. Lannie’s BBQ. Selma Alabama