Pecked to Death by a Duck

I know that these are not pictures of a duck. In the half a million photographs I have taken over the years — sorry, no ducks.

I’m at an age where I don’t want to subscribe to anything anymore. Amazon Prime? Good Sam? Netflix? Nope, none of them. And I certainly don’t want to commit to money automatically being removed from my checking account.

The new economy seems to have figured out how to stick a money sucking IV needle into my wallet. I’m thinking of installing one of those electric monitors into my backside. You know, the meter with one of the rotating usage wheels that spins faster as more of your hard-earned dollars are siphoned off.

Now, everything I do is on some automatic payment plan. Therefore, I have no idea how much I pay for anything. I must have fourteen TV streaming services. I only watch two. Have you ever tried to cancel anything these days? Good luck. While signing up is convenient, it is next to impossible to terminate a plan once they have their Hoover Vacuum device linked to your bank account.

My cable bill is embedded inside our homeowner’s association dues. FYI, everyone who lives in California lives in an HOA. Apparently, we Californians need more rules than folks in the other 49 states. I can’t not pay for the cable I don’t watch. I haven’t watched cable TV in over thirty years. I don’t even have a cable spigot in my house, but I have a bill every month. Our monthly HOA dues are handy, however, because I can get three dollars off if I fill out their ridiculous seventy-five-question survey. I always give a glowing review no matter how bad the service is or even if I don’t buy the product. I do this because some parent paid a quarter of a million dollars for their child to get an AA degree in business. Today, all the kids are getting business degrees. Why become a doctor when you can make more money designing silly surveys?

With all our utility bills on autopay, I have no idea what any of that stuff costs. Living in California during the drought, I thought we should conserve water. I was wrong, or at least I thought such a precious commodity should be around a thousand dollars a gallon. When I got around to looking at my bill, I discovered that I only paid around three cents for this precious liquid. They told me I couldn’t water my yard more than once a week. You know, we’re in a drought. Then, I noticed that all the golf courses ran their sprinklers every day. I then realized – I was the problem. My thirty-second shower and running the dishwasher only once every other week were ruining the planet. I suspect that the folks who make these types of rules must have pretty low handicaps.

I have the same issue with the electric company. The cost per kilowatt is less than a gallon of water. If it’s so cheap, why can’t I run the A/C during the hottest time of the day? Our rules state that when the temperature drops below 58 degrees in the evening, then and only then can I use electricity.

Now, I’m all about renewable energy sources. I think everyone should put solar panels on their roof. For me, a better idea would be to run a line to my neighbor’s house. He’s already plopped down 50K and has more juice than he needs. He justified the expense because he’s got an electric car. He charges his car at night, so I guess he bought the kind of panels that work off moonlight.

I do try to conserve water and electricity. All of us should do our part. I just don’t think we’ve figured out the right kind of incentives. I also realize that many people struggle to pay their utility bills. I get it. But I suspect these folks are not the ones guzzling tons of water or cooling their homes to below 68 degrees in the summer and heating their places to 85 in the winter.

This summer is shaping up to be the hottest on record. This must be a good thing. We Americans love setting records. I, too, am all for setting records. It’s sad that we, as Americans, can’t understand the same facts and develop real solutions. I guess the entomologists are right. The cockroach is the superior species. This sad state of affairs is just one of the many reasons I’m canceling autopay and resorting to buying stuff one item at a time. Who knows how long I’ll need it? For subscriptions, the yearly rate is a bit cheaper than the monthly plans.  I’ve had a Netflix account for eighty years now. Surely, I’ve watched all the shows they have – more than once.

Autopay, auto-renew, and handy subscription services are doing serious damage to my emotional well-being. At my advanced age, how long should I renew stuff for? Can I really commit to anything longer than a few days away? What happens when I die? Do I need to cancel autopay before I do? Should I put Amazon Prime in my will? And if I don’t cancel, will my children lose the $4.57 I plan on leaving them?

Thank you all for subscribing to my continual rants. You may or may not get one next week. I really can’t commit. Please don’t forget to update your credit card information. If I write another blog, I’d hate for you to miss out.